Title: Tangled Webs
Author: MsNightshade
Pairing/Characters: Kwon Jiyong/Choi Seunghyun
Rating: R
Setting: AU
Lie to me like it doesn’t matter,
Lie to me like it doesn’t hurt,
Lie to me like it doesn’t affect me,
As those loaded words float so carelessly from your lips,
Dry and breathless to land feathery-soft upon my ears,
Lie to me as if those words won’t insinuate themselves,
Into the concealed spaces of my heart,
Each syllable seared into bruised flesh,
To brand me utterly unworthy of your love,
Because I will never deserve it.
So lie to me,
Like it never mattered, never hurt, never affected,
Please lie to me,
All over again.
Seunghyun fucks Jiyong like there’s no tomorrow. As Seunghyun gets closer to sweet oblivion, he needs to hear Jiyong say the words.
“Tell me, Ji,” he grits out. Jiyong moans as Seunghyun pounds into him, his fingers will leave bruises in the flesh of his thighs, his knees will be scraped and bloody from the floor, like it always does and like they always do.
“Fucking say it, lie to me!” he demands again.
“I… love… you,” Jiyong pants which each punishing thrust that Seunghyun delivers.
The lie burns in Seunghyun’s ears, his body tenses as he thrusts harder and faster into Jiyong’s tight heat.
“Again!” he demands as he continues his punishing pace.
Jiyong acquiesces, through laboured breaths the words are a high-pitched whimper and it’s all Seunghyun needs. His body is tensing as his orgasm is unleashed, his release white hot and pulsing inside Jiyong. Jiyong follows him down and comes hard onto the tiles beneath him in stuttering spurts, breathing laboured.
As they slump to the cold floor, disengaged and limbs messily entangled, Jiyong feels tears burning in his eyes. He swallows it down; he can’t let Seunghyun see him like this. Seunghyun slings a careless arm across his hips and it grounds him in the here and now. Jiyong stills as their breathing regulates and slows.
Seunghyun trails little patterns in the skin around his navel and Jiyong wants him to stop, everything is overly sensitive but he also wants to keep him there for as long as possible. Within minutes, he’ll be gone as if it never happened.
“Fuck, Ji. You’re so fucking beautiful when you lie,” he rasps against his ear, pulling him close.
Jiyong closes his eyes; he can’t look at him when he says these things to him. He refuses. Seunghyun’s lips press down on his, tongue gingerly snaking it’s way between his teeth and he’s lost again. Jiyong always gives in too easily and he knows it. He hates himself for it, the fact that he relents and lets Seunghyun fuck him blind. He doesn’t care, he needs his touch, needs it even though it ultimately makes him feel demoralised and used – like a back alley whore, except there’s no financial transaction here, just an arrangement and he wonders if that isn’t worse.
He’ll wait for Seunghyun to leave before he allows himself to crumble. He’ll sit in his shower and wash away the blood and cum and in futility he’ll hope to scrub away the pain etched into his soul. Indelible. Forever. His one true companion, his eternal torment in the guise of a heart-breakingly beautiful lover. One he can hold but can never truly have.
While he’s still there, he’ll keep the subterfuge going, that all of it is meaningless fucking and nothing more. He often wonders why Seunghyun wants him to tell him that he loves him when they do, it’s a strange request for someone who refers to what they do as tension relief. What burns most is that Jiyong isn’t lying when he says it and it wounds him a little more each time Seunghyun asks him to. Like he wants him to say it as though it doesn’t matter. Casual and insignificant – a throwaway line to get him off. It sickens him, yet he does it because he is just too fucking easy.
But Seunghyun isn’t leaving. He’s still kissing him into the floor and Jiyong wants to sink into the earth beneath them, never to surface again, to never have to feel this way. But he won’t, and Seunghyun isn’t stopping, he slows, but he doesn’t stop. Jiyong realises that Seunghyun has never kissed him like this before and that his heart is rattling against his ribcage and he can’t feel his toes because Seunghyun’s actions are telling him something he can’t fathom. Telling him something significant that he can’t grasp because it hurts and he knows to hope for such a thing would be outside of the realms of possibility.
Reality was a cruel mistress and Jiyong had long ago learned her lessons the hard way. He wasn’t going to fall prey to her wiles again. Even though he wants it, wants Seunghyun to love him, wants this to be more than what it is, he knows in his marrow, in his blood, in every fibre of his being that he can’t because Seunghyun won’t.
Or so he believed.
Seunghyun’s kiss is sweet and slow and deep and Jiyong’s head is spinning against the tiles as he kisses him back and falls further. He doesn’t understand what’s happening, why Seunghyun is doing this, why he is being soft and gentle instead of the usual brutality and needing it all now, now, right fucking now.
Then Seunghyun pulls back and looks at him, his eyes softer than he’s ever seen them and he still doesn’t understand what’s happening. His lips tingle from his lingering kiss. Seunghyun smiles and Jiyong thinks he feels his heart crack open in his chest and there’s a flood of something sincere and perilous creeping into his veins. He feels exposed, vulnerable under his tender gaze, almost like he is truly seeing him but he couldn’t be. No. Seunghyun helps him up from the floor and pulls him into his arms. They’re standing chest-to-chest, skin against skin and Jiyong is spinning. This can’t be happening, this never happens.
And Seunghyun is whispering into his ear: “I’m sorry, Ji. I’m so sorry, forgive me.”
Jiyong pulls back and looks at him incredulously.
“For what?” he asks, his curiosity well and truly piqued.
“For kissing you like that, I know it’s not—”
Jiyong surges forward and crushes his lips against Seunghyun’s and he doesn’t care that Seunghyun might push him away or that he’ll think Jiyong is acting out of sheer desperation because on some level he instinctively knows that Jiyong has never lied to him.
Jiyong doesn’t care that Seunghyun might deny him in the next instant, but he isn’t denying him right now and that was all that mattered.
Lies could wait while the truth was fully explored.
-FIN-
RantyPants! 